• Sarah Tottle

Love and Longevity



We all gravitate towards certain people. Sometimes these people can be the exact opposite of us and sometimes they're similar. These magnetic attractions can sometimes take place at an unconscious level, which kinda sucks when you're not consciously aware of why you're just so drawn to that person. I've had some real head-scratching moments in the past where there is simply no logical reason, bar a few childhood issues that had to be resolved, as to why there was such a strong attraction. Shout out to the Screech from SBTB doppelganger that I dated briefly aged 22. He didn't have a job, nor had he showered in about six months, but, alas, I was mildly infatuated.


Chemistry can be a real sucker because sometimes we are drawn to people that we're simply not compatible with. Fast forward several months later and you're unable to hold a decent conversation beyond anything other than what's showing on Netflix. Oh, but, it feels so good. You get the drift. 


We need to feel when we are in a relationship. A relationship without passion is simply friendship and there's no bedroom action (*in marriage) happening when you're not feeling the feels. The fact is, we need to feel passionate about our significant other. If it's not there, no matter how compatible you are, the relationship ain't gonna work. I've got lots of decent guy friends that I'm fairly compatible with, but I'm not feeling the feels so it's just not going to happen. Period. 


The issue is this, we need to have chemistry to have a fully functioning relationship, but too much and you're onto a bad thing. Too much chemistry could signal a volatile, roller-coaster relationship is in store. And you certainly don't want any of that.


Too much of a good thing


It's easy to jump straight into a relationship, especially one where you're experiencing fireworks and cartwheels all the time. But, it's important to keep your wits about you. Take it one step at a time. Enjoy the moment, but don't overlook any warning signs and red flags. 


While I am an advocate for keeping relationships discreet (i.e. between both parties and not seeking advice from any Tom, Dick and Harry), having a close confidante that can hold you accountable is important. Choose this person wisely. There's nothing worse than a partner that has a running commentary on your relationship. There's such thing as discretion and security here, people. 


Most people need to be given a chance. There's nothing worse than those people that write off a good guy or girl over minor issues. This is why it's important to have a confidante that will encourage you to date, while also looking out for any red flags. Again, this only needs to be ONE person. You don't need to tell every single person you cross paths with your relationship woes. It doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship.


Is it for keeps?


You've been dating a little while and you're unsure about how things are going. You're wondering if the other is also as keen to progress. That's natural.  One way to know someone is having concerns or doubts about a relationship is if they're restless and not as excited as they once were. These signs can help: when discussing the future, how does your partner act? Are they engaged or do they change the subject quickly? Do they see a future with you and are they actively taking steps towards it?

It's important that couples don't read too much into "feelings" in a relationship. Anxiety doesn't necessarily mean a person isn't the one, it can mean there are simply some concerns that need discussing. Or it could mean there are unconscious issues that you have about relationships that still need to be resolved. So don't end a perfectly good relationship just because of some fleeting feelings. Assess where they're coming from and evaluate whether they're common occurrences in all of your relationships. You may even want to seek advice from a relationship therapist if that's the case.


Relationships take ongoing work. To ensure that there are many more anniversaries, couples need to make sure they're communicating their needs. Problems arise when couples let things slide in a relationship in order to "keep the peace." Keeping the peace is a great way to ensure longevity, as no one wants to argue for the sake of arguing, but when it comes to the big stuff, couples need to talk. When one person is too "chilled", it often means their needs aren't being met.

A once a month inventory is a great way to stop and evaluate the relationship. Are both people getting their needs met? What needs to happen to ensure the relationship is successful? Setting couple goals for the month ahead is also a good idea.

And it's important to keep the relationship fun. Have date nights every week or fortnight. This ensures you keep your relationship alive. Over time, relationships stagnate because couples have forgotten to inject the spice back into the relationship. So, swap that Netflix and take-out for a night out instead. And be creative too. 


Finally, give love a chance. Don't jack in a good thing because of some feeling or a silly remark from someone else. Ride it out. If you're still not feeling right, then close that chapter and open the next. 

©2019 by Sarah Tottle.